Jared talks to me about moving to the city in a few months.

Me: “I don’t want to be away from you anymore.” 
Jared: “So just tell me what your plans are.”
Me: “I don’t know… right now. I don’t know.”
Jared: “I’ll be here. You have time. Let me know when you know.”

What I wanted to say was

“I want to work full time and save up money with you and go back to the city and live with you. I want to make art and have shows in the city. I want to get myself out there and I want to work hard to make a living. I’m going to struggle but I don’t want to do it alone. I want to struggle with you at my side.” 

So this weekend was an eye opening experience. 
Chicago can do that to you, I guess. 
I went to the city on Saturday for my birthday weekend. I spent quality time with my really good friends and Jared… and it was filled with happiness and laughter and all things good.
But I did have bouts of sadness. And that just happens to me because I have problems. Chicago, or home rather, reminds me of my dad, reminds me of how my mother and I aren’t talking to each other anymore, how I’m not here like my friends and making a living for myself. Reminds me of how I’m 25 years old and I’m still stuck. I’ve felt stuck for 7 years now. 
The problem is school… and money, but mostly school now. School is keeping me from making money and making money is keeping me from getting any kind of learning experience from school. I’m exhausted. 
I know there are scholarships and money I can get from the government… but the fact is is that I don’t have the fucking time to do my work anymore! 
My art work takes time and a lot of diligence. 
I don’t have energy to do my work. To pull all nighters. 
I’m not driven anymore because I’m overwhelmed with the amount of bills I have to pay on my own working 2 minimum waged jobs. 
I also don’t think I’m going to be able to afford to go back to school next semester because I owe the school like over a thousand dollars and I don’t have that money right now. 
The only excuse I have of staying in school is that I have one more semester left (technically I guess if I take summer classes on top of that… which was the plan when my mom was helping me pay bills). I’m almost done but I’m also not. 
And my thing is is that I’m tired of everyone feeling sorry for me and giving me money. I know that asking for help isn’t a bad thing when I really need help… but guess what, I’ve been needing help for a long time. 
And I just want to fucking take care of myself. Is that crazy?
I’m tired of blaming my situation on my parents… for leading me in ten thousand different directions because they didn’t think I could make it in the real world. So I went with what they suggested because I figured they knew better. And they didn’t because I’m still here. I’m tired of being like, “Oh, my parents never went to college and my brother only got his bachelors and I had no guidance as far as going to school for art and how to take out loans, how to pay back loans, how to be smart when going to college.” 
It’s all just an excuse. Legitimate excuses… but they never take me anywhere. 
What’s your plan then, Gabi? 
I don’t really have one. 
I want to do so many things but I don’t know how to get to them. 
I want to be a flight attendant and I want to travel. 
I want to make art and curate art shows in Chicago and work full time. 
I want to finish school because I want to be able to say I finished school.
I want to be happy. 
I’m just so incredibly overwhelmed and I have no idea what I want to do.
I’m leaning towards working full time and paying the bills, saving money, and moving back to Chicago. I want to live with Jared and start my life with him. I’m old enough now where I’m just really fucking tired of being undecided about shit. I want to make a move and I want to make it now. 
I want to learn how to spend my money… I want to be able to fucking have money and not live paycheck to paycheck. 
My hair is literally thinning out and my skin has been breaking out since my dad died and its all over stress and poor diet (not eating or only eating pasta cuz thats all I can fucking afford). I can’t keep doing this shit to myself. 

I want a different life for myself. 

A lot of times I think about the kind of person I was a few years ago…
And compare it to the person I am today… and I realize how none of what I worried about or stressed out about before mattered. 

I didn’t know real stress, pain, trauma, anxiety, depression etc etc… 
I thought maybe I had an idea of what those things were to me, but it’s clear now that I didn’t have a clue.

I’m going to be 25 next week… and I’m not really looking forward to it. 
Not because I’m afraid of getting “old” or anything… 
More like I’m afraid of what the next trauma will be. 

I’m not afraid of death. I’m afraid of life.

Nowadays, I’ve been taking things one at a time and living in the moment because I feel like that’s the only way I can live right now. I envy people that have a choice. 
My mom and I got into another fight, but this time she pushed me over the edge and I got tired of being her punching bag. She got angry at me because she was jealous of the fact that I miss my dad… and I post about him and occasionally my other family members, but I don’t really post about her…
So she cut me off financially and now I’m officially on my own to fend for myself… to pay for my $455/mon rent plus utilities, my broken car, my phone bill, food, school supplies… and whatever ever the hell else I have coming my way.

And I guess maybe she has a right to be angry at me…
Later in my life, I became more attached to my dad because he didn’t make me feel guilty about petty shit… he didn’t hang money over my head every time I was in a jam and he got me out of it… he never discouraged my dreams and my goals… he wasn’t her.
Maybe she knows how much I hate her flaws… because her flaws always bring me down specifically. 

I was never really sure why she beat me up so much, but I took it because she provided me with a home and food to eat and helped me out financially at certain points of my college career. 
Truth is… I love her but I also can’t stand her… at all. 

I never want kids… and this is why: 
I never want to die and leave my kid crying in the middle of the night because they miss me, because they need me… because they just want to hold my hand one more time. 
I never want my flaws to come out and deeply affect my child’s life… and their psyche. 
I never want children because I don’t want my child to have a life like mine. 

It wouldn’t be fair to them. 

My mind is everywhere… and I can’t focus on one single thought. 

Cuz when I’m here in the U.S.
I don’t feel like I’m home…. anywhere.

I don’t truly feel like myself.

I feel like I just consume consume consume and I regret and backtrack and hate myself.

It’s like a vicious fucking cycle. 

Can someone just calm me down? lol 

I’ve found that the only thing that really actively keeps my mood and optimism alive is music…. and I’ve been listening to a lot of Lila Downs and some bachata to make me feel human. 
It sounds ridiculous… but I’m so hungry… intensely immensely hungry to be emerged in my Mexican culture… 
And I can’t have it. 
Because I feel like there isn’t room for me. Language is such a huge part of my culture and I can’t grasp Spanish for the life of me. 
I mean, I can… but only like 30% of it. 

Nothing kills my self esteem more than when a white person speaks spanish to me and I have no idea what they just said. 
Sure it’s probably something I can work on… but only if I have the privileges to do so… and I don’t. I don’t have the money to get myself a rosetta stone or something… my dad’s family is completely broken apart after he died and I have no connection to my culture or my roots…
It’s leaving me really empty. 

And some days I really just want to drop out of school, work full time for a year or two and pack my bags and leave… go back home.
Go to Michoacán and live a simple life.

I want to be like the Monarch butterflies… 
Millions of them migrate to Morelia and I want to fly away just like them.

spork-of-humanity:

dangerbabegang:

FOOD

• Find your nearest food bank or mission, for food
• grocery stores with free samples, bakeries + stores with day-old bread
• different fast food outlets have cheaper food and will generally let you hang out for a while.
• some dollar stores carry food like cans of beans or fruit

SHELTER

• Sleeping at beaches during the day is a good way to avoid suspicion and harassment
• sleep with your bag strapped to you, so someone can’t steal it
• Some churches offer short term residence
• Find your nearest homeless shelter
• Look for places that are open to the public
• A large dumpster near a wall can often be moved so that flipping up the lids creates an angled shelter to stay dry

HYGIENE

• A membership to the YMCA is usually only 10$, which has a shower, and sometimes laundry machines and lockers.
• Public libraries have bathrooms you can use
• Dollar stores carry low-end soaps and deodorant etc.
• Wet wipes are all purpose and a life saver
• Local beaches, go for a quick swim
• Some truck stops have showers you can pay for
• Staying clean is the best way to prevent disease, and potentially get a job to get back on your feet
• Pack 7 pairs of socks/undies, 2 outfits, and one hooded rain jacket

OTHER

• first aid kit
•  sunscreen
•  a travel alarm clock or watch
•  mylar emergency blanket
•  a backpack is a must
•  downgrade your cellphone to a pay as you go with top-up cards
•  sleeping bag
•  travel kit of toothbrush, hair brush/comb, mirror
•  swiss army knife
•  can opener

Reblog to literally save a life

(via skittishnerd)