Let’s be honest here -
I am not the girl men fall in love with.
I am the girl that men want to fuck.
I am a conquest. A prize. A show.
I could count on five hundred fingers
the number of people that have professed,
“I like you. You’re different. You’re an interesting girl.”
Apparently I’m not fascinating enough for you
to want to hold for more than a one night stand.
as I finished swimming a sea of blankets
and got left stranded on the shore,
I asked myself:
What’s wrong with me?
What am I doing?
Am I not good enough for anybody?
And right before I could drown again,
the sun woke up and said,
You are enough.
Forget the men whose hands have groped your hips
in search for answers to questions
you’ve never even heard of.
Do not settle for people who do not appreciate you,
who do not know how lucky they are.
Remember it is a privilege to be loved by you,
or even just
to be touched by you, and
the warmth of another body does not define your worth.
These men -
they think that they can own you
with their drunken stares and roughened arms, but
I have circled the earth
a thousand times
to feed the light flowing inside your skin.
Do not waste it by illuminating those who
can not even be bothered
to learn your last name.”
So that night when
the moon tried once more to pin me down,
I told him:
I am made of sunlight, crashing waves, and fireworks.
You think you can tame me
and cool my flesh?
I am the girl who plays with matches,
and trust me I play it well.
Lord knows I’ve walked through villages leaving
a pile of destruction in my wake.
My heart is a bushfire
and the next time you try to control me,
darling, make no mistake -
I will burst out and ravage you in flames.
(This isn’t a test.)
My dad’s incredibly sweet, you guise.
<3 heather. me too. :3
And don’t be jealous! You have a beautiful family… the most beautiful little baby girl in the whole freakin world!!
Everyone should know right now that I’m in love.
I’ve done that thing where you meet someone you have this incredible connection with… and just…
The way he holds me… kisses me… gives me eternal warmth…
I can’t even explain the feelings I feel right now.
For so long I’ve been settling for less.
And for what!?!
I’ve been settling for… “Maybe he’ll text me today… maybe he won’t.”
"Maybe I’m worth their time? Maybe I’m not."
"Maybe we’ll do something fun… Maybe we won’t do anything."
"I don’t know if I really feel anything with this person… or maybe I do?"
Fuck it. Fuck allllllllllllllllllllll of it.
FUCK WHAT U HEARD.
I just rekindled what I thought was just a friendly drunken kiss and talk at a party I went to last week…
And that was literally the best decision I made all day yesterday.
He’s so beautiful inside and out.
We talked about the things we liked about ourselves… the things we didn’t like. We talked about our families and childhood. Talked about our disorders and how we overcame them. And there’s so much more we have yet to say… but I feel so sure of myself.
With every person I try to like or get in a relationship with… I always feel something in the pit of my stomach like something isn’t right. My intuition never lies to me. Ever.
With Ray, I felt nothing but genuine feelings… thoughts… tenderness.
Cuz he loves to talk, like I do. He shares so much about himself. He makes himself available and vulnerable, like I do. I feel like I’ve known him for a long time.
Usually… I’d be telling myself (because of events leading up to this and my lack of trust in people (especially men)…), okay, calm down… it’s probably all an act. You’d never find someone perfect for you. Someone you deserve… that wants to treat you like a queen…
But there’s nothing.
And I haven’t felt this way in such a long time. Since Sam, I think.
He’s so beautiful. His almond shaped eyes. His thick lips. His heart. His mind.
He’s so goddamn interesting! He tells me he wants to know everything about me….
When I’m not even that special lol
I kept asking him, “Are you even real? If you are… where the hell have you been? I was waiting…”
He told me about his love for neurological science and chemistry. How he spends hours in the lab testing out different brain wavelengths from his test subjects (usually rats/mice?). And I’m in amazement.
He’s a scientist… passed his MCATS and is applying to medical programs in other colleges.
He’s so unusual, it’s wonderful.
He’s half white and half Chinese.
With so much to tell me about his family in Hong Kong, his family here.
So much to tell me about his ancestry and his culture and values.
I can’t even function right now, tumblr.
Just leave me here to die happy.
There are lots of things I can do today to be productive like:
clean the apartment
pack my bags to leave tomorrow
make some drawingsfor my portfolio
- put some more gas in my car
Will I do any of these things?
edit: because I also…
- wrote in my diary
- made drawings for Lenya that I was supposed to do 3 months ago.
- blow glass